His ways are higher...

I'm reading a great book, recommended by a dear friend who you can find here, and also by my love.  It is challenging me, which I expected, but more deeply than I expected.  I know all these answers...marriage is not about me and my needs, marriage is for God, a chance to radically love someone other than myself. But I do not know these things in my heart, and that is what is getting pricked....as I read I recall the many ways I prefer myself over my love, the motivations behind so many choices, the selfishness that pervades every fiber of my being.  Here are some thoughts from my journal today:  Why do I have to do this?  Why do I so often try to live life apart from others, and in so doing, apart from You?  Please change this, Lord.  It is a dreadful curse that weighs me down, an awful sin that I can’t seem to name or be free of.  Perhaps this is why you are pushing me to marry…not because I am ‘in love’, or in need of a spiritual leader, or because I’m getting older, or for financial security…but because my soul drastically defaults towards independence and self-sufficiency…and living with another sinner is the only way to drive the SELF out of me.  I am thankful.  It’s time to start looking a whole lot more like You, Jesus! I will keep you posted on the journey....because I quite sure I am only getting started!