"A friend loves
at all times, and a brother is born for a difficult time." Proverbs 17:17
Life is busy, social media fills some of our relational needs, and our communities and families are fractured. Where are we to find those real, meaningful,
and needed friendships to carry us through the trials of life? Oftentimes, even looking in many churches
does not seem like a realistic solution either: programs keep us busy, kids' activities conflict with our ability to be involved, and people go unnoticed.
My goal here is not to provide an easy answer, because
honestly, there isn’t one. My struggle
over the years to form these lasting relationships has been fulfilled in some
seasons, and been very much a drought in other seasons. I can offer a few suggestions, but also want
to point us to Jesus, who promises to be the primary solution to the deep loneliness we
can feel, regardless of how many friends we have on our Facebook pages.
Just this week, I sat with a mentor who gave me a very
helpful word picture for healthy relationships: that of a two ladders balancing
against each other, perfectly holding each other’s weight as they met at the
top. Imagine something similar to an
upside-down ‘V’. A healthy friendship
develops gradually, she said, as each person takes a step up or down in the
level of intimacy and time spent together, reciprocated by the other doing the
same. At times, one of the friends will
take a step down, and the other will likely respond in kind. Such is the ebb and flow of organic,
wholesome relationships. Unfortunately,
our culture prevents this natural development of relationships in many ways, as
stated above. Even more, we are all
wounded sinners in some way because of the fall (Genesis 3) and our relationships
are not without sinful words and actions, walls we build up towards each other,
and lack of love and interest in the other’s needs.
What are some small things I’ve found to be helpful?
Looking for friends in your stage of life is normal, but
I’ve found that meeting up with women with different commitments than myself can make planning times together easier. Is she single and you’re married? Have her over for a quick afternoon tea
during your children’s nap times! House
isn’t clean? Offer to bring a coffee and
dessert over to her when your husband gets home. Are you retired? Maybe you can get involved with a youth event
at your church. Even serving at one car
wash or pancake breakfast can help you get to know someone who may need a
friend or become one!
Be willing to share, willing to listen. I won’t trivialize this: opening up or
allowing another to open up and be vulnerable is not easy, and it certainly
takes time to get to this point. I’ve
found that joining a small group at church or community league of some sort is
a great way to make connections that lead to one-on-ones later, in which vulnerability
might be more natural. But be patient,
because again, this takes time. I’ve
found that opening up too much can be overwhelming to some, or perhaps you are
burdened by emotional conversation. I
can’t overemphasize the need to pray for and about your relationships. God’s timing in developing these kinds of
deep ties is perfect- He knows when you will need someone and when you will be
needed.
Perhaps the friendship will just be fun and lighthearted
for a while, and you need to really unload an emotional burden? Don’t feel badly about getting a few
counseling sessions so you can return to your marriage and friendships with
more to give back. On the flip side,
I’ve formed some of my best and deepest friendships with people when I was
going through major trauma in my life and had no choice but to be raw, honest,
and in need. That’s okay too! Just keep your expectations for your friends in check.
I must end with the best solution to our deep soul needs,
however, finding friendship in Jesus Christ.
He will never turn you away when you need to talk, feel burdened by
life, or need wisdom for the trials you are facing. His answers are in the Scriptures, but He
does speak in other mysterious ways- through a song, a spiritual book you’re
reading, or a small, kind gesture from an unsuspecting person at the grocery
store, etc. Thank Him for those times He
reveals Himself throughout your day, and look for ways to honor Him with your
time and resources. He is honored by
your trust in Him, and you’ll find that the more you depend on Him throughout
the day in prayer, the deeper your friendship will grow.
Do not lose heart in this spiritual battle we all face to
form deep, lasting connections with friends and family. Remember, that’s what it is! We have an enemy who wants nothing more than
to destroy every avenue from which we could find encouragement to love God,
especially that of friendships. But He
who is in us is greater than he who is in the world (1 John 4:4). He is the Victor over every failed
relationship, and can and will turn it all for our good and His glory. Remember the forgiveness we have been granted
in Christ, and offer that to everyone in your life...including yourself! We’re
all still learning how to build reliable, meaningful friendships.
Your blog friend,
Ruth :)